Excerpts from Vol. 2

The following are randomly-chosen excerpts from each of my books. If you like these,  also check out some excerpts from Writings: Volume 1, Volume 3 and Volume 4.

Writings: Volume 2

(includes writing from Invisible, Deadbeat. and Pretty)

I often think why good friends at one point in time
Become vicious enemies
All because one doesn’t return another’s phone calls
Then when you meet sometime in the future
Maybe a show or coffee house or something
It’s like
Oh hey long time no see oh I missed you
An exchange of hugs
Like you were once former lovers
What a lie to feed yourself and someone else
Next time someone comes up to me saying
Oh I missed you oh my god I thought you vanished off the earth
I will tell them
Fuck you the phone works both ways
I never vanished physically
I just vanished from your thoughts and friendship
Right now I like being apart
It was great being friends back then
But you turned me into an asshole
So that’s my deal
A friendship takes two people to make it work
Now my friendship with you is
A thought
A knife and your neck
It really annoys me when friends ignore friends
Don’t feed me your crap
I don’t need it
And as far as our friendship is concerned
What friendship
Who are you anyway

*****
I cradled your head in my arms tonight
Kept you safe
I held on so tight
Did you notice
I touched you and when you closed your eyes
I died in your feelings
I need you every hour
I hate it when you’re not here
Where are you now
Not here
When do you want me
Probably never
Life is never easy
Especially if you have a heart the size of mine
A heart which hurts when it isn’t held
By someone with soft hands
This heart needs to be held by you
Bleeds when it’s held by you
You, the one with the soft hands
I want to make you feel

*****
Soulmate where are you
New Jersey
England
California
Illinois
Thousands of miles away
Right next door
Across town
Mentally I’m ringing your doorbell
You answer
We love
We live
This is living
Money is nothing in our world
All we need is
A touch, a kiss, a hug
Embraces
Kisses and The Sundays on the stereo
Dreaming while I envy everyone around me

*****
To me, heaven is
Barnes and Noble
A thought-provoking movie
Candy bar
Nestea cool
Air conditioning
Two beautiful females driving next to me
311’s “Music” on the CD player
Singing along to Ben Folds Five
Moshing
Being alone with a potential lover
Ball cap on backwards
Long hair
Funky dreadlocks
Brown-eyed girls
Good conversation
Buying useless stuff
Meeting members of a respected band
Denny’s bacon cheeseburger
Tipping the wonderful waitress a lot more than I should
She’s middle-aged and she’s missing a few teeth
Talks kind of funny, but she’s sweet
Looks like she was hit in the face by a dickhead of an ex-husband
But she’s great- I tip a hell of a lot more
She brings the food from heaven
She does her job well
Angel waitress at Denny’s
Heaven is all this
Hell is having none of it
Hell is a liar’s breasts smothering me
Hell is working for minimum wage
Hell is every day in Florida
Hell is being surrounded by idiots
Hell is cigarette smoke down my throat
Hell is heaven
Heaven is my hell
Together I’m incomplete and the puzzle pieces fit

*****
I sat on the water’s edge for some time
I stared into the water at the moon
Infinite reflections of white
I thought of you
I think of you at the most beautiful lonely times
You are my moon
I wish I could fly to you
I stare into the water for so long
I wrap my arms around my knees
And I rock back and forth
Just thinking
Dreaming
Longing

*****
I get made fun of by saying I like deaf women
There was this beautiful, stunningly beautiful girl on Leeza one night
Looked kind of like Jamie Luner from Just the Ten of Us
Her preppy boyfriend, nice guy
He brings her on the show to finally propose to her
After three years together
I say wow
Man can you imagine how great that would be
In love with a deaf girl
Can you imagine how much you can teach each other
She can learn about the way you feel during music
And you could feel the way she feels when she feels the vibrations
Teaching each other the language
That would be so beautiful
The whole time he is laughing
His death breath stinking up the room
He laughs and says I’m fucked up
You’re so fucked up man
Ha ha ha
A deaf girl?
You would prefer a deaf girl to a normal one?
I ask him, what makes a deaf girl abnormal
He just keeps laughing
I think it would be great though
I would love to learn a new way of life
A new culture
A new way of love, conversation
I think sign language is wonderful
It’s visually beautiful
Since I talk little
I figure I would get along with a girl like that perfectly
I talk practically never
I would love this girl
She would love me
It would be excellent
I can’t wait to meet one someday
I would learn her language and grow old with her
Happy
I think that would be great
Go ahead and keep laughing
All you do is fuck women
You use them
You’re an asshole

*****
They mistake my silence for a bad mood
They don’t know me at all
Today is a really good day actually
I’m soaking in the rays
Writing some lyrics
I say nothing as the sun burns me
I make a face that looks like I hate everyone
But that’s how I always look
I am totally digging these beautiful girls in bikinis
Laying down in front of the three of us
They know them, I don’t
Their friends, not mine
They are so beautiful
Their hair blowing around a little bit in the breeze
Their bodies slick with suntan lotion
The smell of coconut
I wish I could run my tongue down their bodies
I wish I could rest my tired head in their laps
I wish I could show them some things I’m writing
But I can’t
I’m the pale ugly silent shy one
I’m fine with that
I don’t have the outspoken gift
I don’t have the perfect hair and eyes
I write about all these girls as I sit in my beach chair
They don’t know this
They don’t give a shit
So typical
As we got up to leave
I waved and smiled widely
Hey nice meeting you ladies
I looked at them all to see their reaction
Not one said goodbye to me
They all hugged my friends goodbye though
Kissed their cheeks
I stood there like the world just exploded
I held my book in one hand and the beach chair in the other
I looked at the sand below my shoes
I tried to hold back the hurt
I did a good job
There was a short delay in leaving
We all said goodbye again
I said mine louder this time
Hey nice meeting all of you take care
Still nothing
No goodbye
No wave
I walked away
We got to the car and got inside
In my mind I was still walking
I walked until the sun torched my skin
I walked for years
I stared at nothing at all
I walked with a blank expression
It amazes me how cruel many females can be
I don’t know what they heard about me
Maybe they heard I was a prick
Maybe they’re right
Maybe they were just shallow beautiful sluts
Oops now I offended them
I can’t believe you bitches couldn’t say goodbye to me
I now understand the mind of a serial killer
One who kills beautiful girls
Fuck that, I would never do that crazy shit
I have a pen, paper, awareness and creativity
Not a bunch of loose screws
So don’t think I’m like that sick shit
All I know is that right now I’m feeling the same hurt
As those psychos probably did when they got dissed
It may mean shit to someone else
But a goodbye, a wave, or a smile means the world to me
I wanted one of those
Didn’t receive one
I walked away and away
I walked into where I’ve always been
Loneliness

*****
I like to touch her cheek while I kiss her
Run my hands gently on her cheek and her neck
Feel her hair
I don’t think there’s anything better than kissing
Some things come close, but the kiss is magic
Close your eyes and your heart races
Wet, gentle, soft
A kiss is true love
Even if you’ve only known someone for a short time
When you kiss it’s like your souls meet for the first time
Together, your souls dance and smile
Eventually kisses lead to more sexual movements
The kiss no longer is magic
It all still feels good
But the magic is gone
Soft and angelic
Slow and gentle
I’d rather kiss than breathe

*****
I write everything down
Every single insignificant event and detail
You will enjoy my depression
You will read my mental state and say
What a fucked up asshole
I won’t know you, most likely
Who wants to take the time to know an alien
We’re fucked up
We’re ugly and no girls talk to us, ever
You want to take the time
To get to know this alien?
You sure?
I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get to know me
I know there’s too much hell inside
Too many memories and feelings of complete loneliness
If you talked to me you’ll want to punch me in the face
That’s the effect I seem to have on people
It’s a real drag
I want a woman
Not to drive me crazy
But to drive me insane with affection

*****
Freshman year crush
Warm-looking, pretty blonde named Dawn
Looked like an actress or something
Soft voice and all
I put one of those anonymous love notes in her locker
I thought it was romantic and well-written
She asked me about it in class
She automatically knew it was me who wrote it
I apologized and felt stupid
She just shook her head and giggled a little
Not those good giggles
But a sarcastic, “why did you do that, you geek” kind-of-laugh
Stupid and useless pre-algebra class
I hated the subject and I hated the feeling after she giggled
I vanished to some place a million miles from that classroom
Haven’t been back since

*****
“Just turn yourself around”
I can’t. I write, I’m shy as hell and I will always be like this. I’ve tried to
change, girls reacted the same way. They didn’t care. I’m silent, and they
don’t care. I talk to them, and they don’t care. I get goofy and funny, and
they don’t care. I try to fake confidence, and they don’t care. You don’t
know how painful it is to see that beautiful girl dancing to my band’s
grooves at a club and to just leave at night to go home to the solitude of
the bedroom and never forget her face and to write about her for days.
You don’t know that feeling. She had a boyfriend. What else is new. Some
stocky dumbass with dyed blonde hair. I stared at her anyway. December
17th, 1998, 2 in the morning after we played. I saw her leaning on this
cement thing or something. She was right outside the door of the club. I
stared at her as I walked around with my guitar and a bookbag on my
shoulder. My black sweatshirt on. The blue jeans. The dead heart. She
won’t remember me. She had perfect eyes and perfect hair. She wore this
weird leather coat or something, it was pretty cold last night. I won’t
forget her. I hope she falls out of love with that asshole and falls in love
with me. That won’t happen though. You don’t know that feeling.

copyright 1990-2090 chris caulder / planet isolation publications. all rights reserved.