I feel like my whole life is just a waste of fucking time. Every minute, every hour. I help people with music. Great. Cool. I recommend gear to buy. Great. Cool. I set people’s home studio desks up. Great. Cool. I give them gigabytes upon gigabytes of sample loops so they can be inspired and make things. Great. Cool.
I’m too smart to be this fucking broke. Someone said that the other day. I work non-stop, and I’m fuckin’ broke. Non-stop. I teach lessons 7 god damn days a week. And I’m fuckin’ broke.
I’ve seen people that were in my life no less than 20 years ago, succeed in every facet of their artistic lives. I know a guy who started an insanely successful underground Brooklyn record label. I used to work with him. I know a guy who’s done music with M. Ward and released music on Sub Pop and toured endlessly. I RECORDED ONE OF HIS BAND’S DEMOS in 1994. I recorded his fuckin’ demo in 1994, in his detached garage in the woods in Cape Coral, FL. I saw my former bandmate get everything he fucking wanted in life, from musical success to a beautiful wife, his own business, his own fuckin’ house.
My dad died in February and left my family nothing. Nothing. Just his memory.
My parents never gave much of a shit for my interest in music or the arts. My parents were hands-off. My parents just didn’t give a shit.
I feel like I’m at the end of life. Like seriously, is this what life is supposed to be? Constantly struggling with bills and being depressed, even suicidal at times? Is this what life’s about?
I used to be really passionate. REALLY passionate. And I had a ton of desire and motivation.
Now all I do is fucking eat, fix my rented house, watch the same movies over and over and over (I’ve done that for decades but it’s worse now)… and I have no interest in anyone or anything. It’s not that I’m trying to be a dick. It’s that I lost it all. I sometimes go 4 days without showering. I just don’t fucking care. I know what “functional depression” is, and I’ve been that way for what… at least two years?
I lost it all and I have no idea how to get it back. No fucking clue.
Please help me with any donations, if you’re able.
VENMO – themixtape
PAYPAL info AT oustedproductions DOT net
And my GoFundMe page I started two months ago– I’ve raised just $132 out of a $1000 goal. Please help me.
Before you assume anything– yes, I have a therapist (for over 5 years). And yes, I have a full-time job (two of them). No, I don’t drink. No, I do not like drugs. No, I don’t smoke and no, I’m not a dishonest, vindictive piece of shit. I’m just a human trying to get back to being happy. And I don’t know how to do that, especially when I am constantly late with my bills (or missing them entirely), and struggling every god damn step of the way. It wasn’t like this before, but it’s so bad now and I don’t know how the fuck to handle any of it.
Help me. Please.
Help me get back to music, too. Help me.
I don’t want what everyone else wants. I want what I want, and I never thought it was too much to ask. Want to know in detail? Email me. Or don’t.
Help me. I’m falling and I can’t fucking deal with anything anymore.
Off to work to do a handful of lessons: guitar, drums, etc. Because this is all I do… lessons, eat, fix the rented house, try to keep the peace with the people in my life, and all the while, my head is a fucking hurricane of pain, confusion, laziness, procrastination, and “fuck everything.”