First, the venting
Earlier in the week I wrote about the death of my inspiration. That day, I felt like I have lost my way, musically. Every time there seems to be an opportunity, it doesn’t work out… whether it be personal drama, or an injury (my right hand has been badly sprained for almost a month, now), or empty promises that are never honored.
Every time I share music with people, it seems like they are being phony, complimenting my recording work/singing/writing… etc. At the time, I feel good about it. But then, literally the next day or two later, I find out that the same person I just shared music with is hyping up someone else’s music, on social media or whatever… so, there’s this never-ending suspicion of people bullshitting me or humoring me for whatever reason.
I’m not crazy. It happens just that way. “Yeah Chris, let’s totally do some music together”… and then, they’re doing music with someone else. Like literally within 7 days. And I call them on it, and ask them what’s up? And they say “oh yeah, we’re doing a project, seeing where it goes”… what? This has been happening my whole fucking life. My whole life. I’ve documented it in my personal journals and various blogs and cutesy little teen angst songs.
Don’t bullshit me, people. Please. Life is too fucking short.
And I’m also tired of people taking advantage of me for various reasons: fixing their computers, helping them write THEIR songs, promoting THEIR work (when we’re supposed to be promoting each other’s work, equally)… I do this for the good karma, but seriously… all I seem to be doing is helping other people, when no one is helping me (and I could use their helps, as they’re a bit more connected/networky than I am).
All that said…. I have to get the fuck off facebook, personal-account-wise. I have to delete all my posts/photos and just have a personal account to manage the artist/music pages I maintain. Because Facebook is fucking killing my life (it’s probably killing yours, too). I comment, I “like” people’s posts… I reach out, I network… it fucking goes nowhere. Time is better-spent working on my own shit and promoting it myself. Because either way, the end result is the same. I’m nice, I’m supportive…. and it just goes nowhere. They promote themselves, they don’t give me a shout or throw me a bone, and I’m fucking tired of it.
People used to call me an asshole and shameless self-promoter (back in the early 2000s). Because at the time, I was hell-bent on promoting stuff I did, and getting it out there. It worked, to some extent. I’ve never been a DICK about it, I’ve just been focused on my own stuff. But a few years ago, I just wanted to change and be more supportive/friendly/cool and try to make friends in the “scene”… but truly, it really has gone nowhere. And I don’t understand why. I really don’t. Maybe it’s Philly. I don’t know.
Anyway… now onto the good news
Last night, I was going to go to sleep around 10pm but I found myself lying in bed, watching YouTube videos for HOURS….. while charging my phone…. I watched tons of videos of MIDI gear (mostly Novation stuff, especially the Novation Circuit, Launchpad MK2 and Launch Control XL) and people doing random MIDI jams/improvs with synths and hardware. And it got me excited about music, again. It got me out of my hardcore slump. I realized that I know a lot of assholes who suck the creative energy out of me, and I need to get in this zone of awesome. Because fuck assholes.
Like most musicians and studio geeks, I realized that I truly do love GEAR (home studio shit– keyboards, synths, hardware, sequencers, DAW production and tips/techniques/workflow shit)… and I like to buy new gear, and make stuff with it (even though I don’t make as much as I used to, though I’m truly trying to change that)….
So, I thought up plans/ideas… wrote them down, then got out of bed around 3:30am and worked on tweaking some shit with Reaper 5 and some MIDI controllers I have (and haven’t used in a while).. finally I got tired and fell asleep around 4:45am. Woke up at 10, got some breakfast and tons of coffee, and started my day.
Some of the videos that inspired me a lot:
And then, just plain ol’ geek shit… why the FUCK do I not own a Novation Launch Control XL, yet? This is all I have ever needed in my home studio. 8 User Banks, 8 Factory Banks that can be changed on the fly? WHAT
That’s like 24 assignable knobs / 8 assignable faders / 16 assignable buttons (momentary or toggle)… on User A… and then the same, assigned DIFFERENTLY……. on User B…. omg. O.M.G.WUT. OMG
Yes. I really do freak the fuck out about shit like this, because… well, hands-on control when you make a lot of music with a computer is…. FUN. I’m not new to this, at all… hell, years ago I had the Akai APC40 with Ableton Live Lite (2009?)… and I’ve used midi keyboards with assignable knobs since probably 2002, at least… but, still…. something like that Launch Control XL is INSANE…. and it can be used with ANY software or synth plugins… not just Ableton. Dope.
I just love this shit. I have new ideas….. just have to sit down and work on shit…. And seriously, time to remove negative people from my life. Seriously. I’ve had enough.
It’s hard to find the once-lost magic. It comes and goes…. it comes and goes….. but I know why it goes. Negative people get in the way. They brainwash you into thinking you’re not worth anything. I have been sitting on solo music since early 2015. It’s clear why, but things are complicated. There’s so much more to say, but I’ll leave this on a positive note.
Music, creativity and OPEN-MINDEDNESS fucking rule.