There are times where everything truly feels wrong in my life. Wrong state, wrong house, wrong friends, wrong dreams, wrong goals.

I often wonder if my life would feel more right, if I had chosen a different state… a different path.

I’m grateful for a lot of things. But a lot of things just don’t feel right with me. So many things. And it causes this bland/empty feeling…. accepting fate, accepting everything as it is, because really, even if I changed it, there’s no changing it.

It’s a feeling of being trapped. It’s a feeling of being content, and accepting it all… how wrong it all feels, how empty it feels… how for years, the passion’s remained, but it has also died, in various ways.

I don’t know where to go from here. I keep moving forward, but with every forward step, I go backward.

There’s too much to think about, too many responsibilities, and too few fun things. That’s really what it boils down to. I answer to so many others before I answer to myself. Every project I try to move forward winds up dying, and sinking in the water. Sometimes before it begins. Sometimes in the middle of the journey. Sometimes near the end.

Where to go from here? I’m creative, I’m smart. I feel like I’m making cool things. I also feel that I am screaming into the wilderness. I can nearly count the people on my hand who follow what I’m doing. It’s not that I need “fame” to keep going. But what I sometimes need is validation. And I often don’t receive it from the outside. And it eats away at my soul, little by little.

Where to go from here? Only down? The ladder is falling apart as I’m climbing it. What a scary feeling that is. Imagine you’re on the same ladder. What do you do?

 

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