I literally have like…. 0% desire to do music, anymore. Literally feel like no one’s listening, nor ever has. I feel like I’ve done good stuff pretty regularly, since 2004. Maybe I haven’t. Seriously. Why bother. I’ll just promote other people (that’s about all I do, anyway). The professional appreciator.

I’ve had a Patreon page for 4 years. I still have 0 patrons.

I also now have over 1,000 unfinished music ideas on my main studio computer, and my portable rig (laptop). Over 1,000 ideas:

  • 150+ teen angst/lo-fi/bedroom pop fun songs about loneliness, movies, girls, life, things
  • 110+ instrumental/ambient things (classical piano-ish stuff, post rock/pretty things)
  • 300+ original hip-hop instrumentals in the vein of J. Dilla, Pete Rock, DJ Premier, Dr. Dre, Tribe Called Quest)
  • 20+ experimental hip-hop songs (yes, with me rapping, or I should say, talking rhythmically)
  • 80+ acoustic/indie things… no vocals/lyrics
  • 200+ unfinished collaborative ideas with former collaborators
  • 300+ electronic/indie/weird things that are pretty cool. About half of them have lyrics.

I don’t want to put any of this shit out anymore because I feel there’s no point.

Patrick told me the other night that while he initially believed that our duo would be signed eventually (as did many others who have heard the music), he now believes there’s no point in putting our blood and guts into it. He said he’ll still make music just to keep his sanity. But we should be more realistic about our expectations. It was a depressing thought, but really… I couldn’t disagree. You make the best shit you can make, and really feel good about it… and it’s not enough. It’s luck, knowing people, having connections, and more luck.

At this point, it’s hard to find the strength to go on. Really is. I just don’t see the purpose anymore. Should I stay here in the Philly burbs until I’m 80? Freezing to death every winter? Or am in need of a big change? Should I move to a warmer climate? Should I re-evaluate everything in my life? Should I…. oh wait. I don’t have any savings. Can’t do anything without that, can I?

I find myself sleeping more, having dull headaches, staring at the television / watching the same stupid movies over and over again, and slouching in my chair. Ten thousand creative things to do and I don’t want to speak/move. I feel the end is nigh.

There’s just no point, anymore. I don’t think there ever was.

 

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